The TalkingPoker.com Forum  

Go Back   The TalkingPoker.com Forum > Off Topic > Sports
Register Blogs Arcade HH Converter Calendar Mark Forums Read

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-13-06, 01:48 PM
Penguinfan's Avatar
Penguinfan Penguinfan is offline
<<<<<
 

Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 2,432
Penguinfan has between 500 and 749 Rep PointsPenguinfan has between 500 and 749 Rep PointsPenguinfan has between 500 and 749 Rep PointsPenguinfan has between 500 and 749 Rep PointsPenguinfan has between 500 and 749 Rep PointsPenguinfan has between 500 and 749 Rep Points
Default If you can read this without laughing out loud let me know

Or check to see if you have a pulse first.

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is @#%$ bull**** and you should kiss my mother-@#%$ ***. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his *** on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a @#%$ 12. I rate you a @#%$ 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery *** a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly @#%$ and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. @#%$, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ***. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of @#%$ teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. @#%$, man, there are some ****ty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a l bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!
John, you are such a @#%$ dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a @#%$ zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my @#%$ face. @#%$ that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). @#%$ me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ***. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a @#%$ lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, @#%$-*** ****wad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
@#%$ you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you @#%$ with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright
Reply With Quote
__________________
If aces didn't get cracked they would be writing books about me!
  #2  
Old 10-13-06, 02:02 PM
Aequitas58's Avatar
Aequitas58 Aequitas58 is offline
Fmr. Resident Asshole
 

Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 3,783
Aequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep PointsAequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep PointsAequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep PointsAequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep PointsAequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep PointsAequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep PointsAequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep PointsAequitas58 has between 1000 and 1499 Rep Points
Default

Nice! The man-to-man coverage v. zone defense is gold.
__________________
  #3  
Old 10-13-06, 03:09 PM
MAYHEM45's Avatar
MAYHEM45 MAYHEM45 is offline
comatose but audible
 

Join Date: May 2005
Location: HU4BARRELLROLLZ?
Posts: 3,778
Blog Entries: 3
MAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsMAYHEM45 has between 2500 and 2999 Rep Points
Default

@#%$ me sideways with a lunchbox.
__________________
I play a game, it's called insincerity.
  #4  
Old 10-13-06, 03:31 PM
Reel Deal's Avatar
Reel Deal Reel Deal is offline
I'm on a boat
 

Join Date: May 2005
Location: NE Fla
Posts: 6,651
Blog Entries: 3
Reel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsReel Deal has between 3000 and 3499 Rep Points
Default

LMAO at several of those, but this one had me on the floor:

"A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions."

Good shit!!
__________________
GO GREEN!!! GO WHITE!!!
  #5  
Old 10-13-06, 06:08 PM
juiCe[3x]'s Avatar
juiCe[3x] juiCe[3x] is offline
Thousand Post Club
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,025
juiCe[3x] has between 10 and 49 Rep Points
Default

lol this is great
  #6  
Old 10-13-06, 09:05 PM
PShabi PShabi is offline
MC Adam Yauch
 

Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,947
PShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep PointsPShabi has between 2500 and 2999 Rep Points
Default

I lol'd, but would like to know who wrote it.
__________________
Get well soon, MCA!
  #7  
Old 10-13-06, 10:20 PM
Talking Poker's Avatar
Talking Poker Talking Poker is offline
Adminimus Maximus
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Florida Coast
Posts: 27,480
Talking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep PointsTalking Poker has between 3000 and 3499 Rep Points
Default

Ethan Albright.

DUH!
__________________

Got RakeBack?
27% at Full Tilt | 33% at Cake Poker | 30% at Carbon Poker
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:04 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
©2004-2008 TalkingPoker.com